Divorce mediation for Philadelphia and Southern New Jersey by William H. Donahue, Jr., Esq., APM		Are you ...

What Is Divorce Mediation?

Mediation is a form of dispute resolution that uses a neutral mediator rather than a judge or arbitrator. A divorce mediator structures and guides negotiations and helps a divorcing couple understand the principles of divorce law.

Divorce mediation is based on the idea that couples who are splitting up can resolve issues themselves. A divorce mediator encourages couples to reach a fair agreement on which both can agree.

A non-adversarial approach to divorce
By its very nature, litigation is adversarial because it requires someone else — a judge — to make decisions for the divorcing couple. It forces each party to convince the judge that one side must win and the other must lose.

Mediation is different. Because both parties make the decisions themselves, they stop seeing each other as enemies with adverse demands. Their divorce mediator helps them define mutual goals, and then they work together to craft those goals into a legally sound divorce where both win.

When adverse demands become agreed goals: one couple's story

Jennifer and Michael both want to keep and live in the marital home. Their immediate and adverse demands appear to be irreconcilable. After a divorce, they can't both live in the same house. Three solutions come to mind:

Michael lives in the house and Jennifer moves out.
Jennifer lives in the house and Michael moves out.
Jennifer and Michael sell the house and both move out.

The first two solutions will make one spouse happy and one spouse unhappy. The third will make both of them unhappy. But if they can define goals that are not adverse — and that are more important to them than their individual demands — they may be able to find a solution that makes them both happy. With the help of their mediator, Jennifer and Michael list goals that are mutual — or at least not adverse. These goals include:

Preservation of relationships
The well-being of their children
The desire to hold onto a "family home"

Once they articulate their goals, a solution opens up. Both spouses, after realistic discussion, realize that their children will be better off remaining in the family home, with the parent who travels less on business and has been the primary caregiver.

This mutual concern for their children helps them reach an agreement that the primary caregiver spouse will retain and live in the family home, despite the ardent desire of the other spouse to own the house. The spouse who moves out, the couple agrees, will establish a second loving residence for their children, in which anger and resentment of over loss of the "family home" will not reside.

Mediation is fundamentally different. In mediation, there is no trial looming on the horizon. You don't establish demands or positions from which you have to bargain down. Since the goal is to find mutually beneficial solutions, you have freedom to find novel and creative solutions that best meet your needs. The adversarial principles that one of you will win and the other will lose are replaced with the idea that the best settlement is one that maximizes the gain for both of you.

an attorney

whose client needs a mediator?

a marriage counselor

whose client needs a mediator?

an HR professional

assisting divorcing employees?

Did You Know?

The New Jersey court system endorses mediation. The courts recently instated a rule requiring that attorneys educate their divorce clients about the mediation option.