Divorce from a Child's Point-of-View
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You're at the end of your rope dealing with your ex, and the temptation is great to lash out. Sometimes, it feels as if the only route is through your kids, who see the ex on a regular basis. As well, you may feel they deserve to know the truth about the other parent, from your point-of-view. As a divorce lawyer who also offers divorce mediation for Philadelphia and Southern New Jersey, I feel the emotion of this kind of moment every day with my clients.
But nothing is more important than resisting the urge to denigrate your ex in front of your kids, according to a recent article on The Huffington Post Divorce website. Kara Bishop, the author, has spent five years working with children going through divorces, using an exercise where she asks the children to create a set of rules that they wish their parents would follow. Number 1 on that list? "Don't say bad things about my other parent." Among some of the other wishes in the top ten are "Don't make me feel bad about loving my other parent," and "Don't make me choose sides."
"A common aftermath of serious marital problems is that, at least temporarily, children lose a sense of security in the relationships they have with their parents," says Dr. Lawrence Balter, author of "Not In Front of the Children: How to Talk to Your Child About Tough Family Matters" (Viking Press). "It is vitally important that you think through what you say in front of them at these times."
I wrote an article entitled "Mediation and Children" to explain the ways in which mediation can help you reduce the level of conflict between you and your ex, so you can rationally settle legal and physical custody and visitation issues. I also offer some tips there on Do's and Don'ts when communicating with your children about your spouse and the divorce issues. Click here:
http://www.itsmydivorce.com/pg17.cfm
And for those who would like to read the HuffPo article, click here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kara-bishop/if-your-kids-could-make-t_b_1171554.html
Need a Pre-Nup? Try Mediation First
According to Laurie Israel, a Massachusettes lawyer and mediator, the initial shock of learning your spouse wants you to sign a pre-nup that you never discussed and whose terms often feel hostile and insulting, may be enough to torpedo the wedding itself. She advocates a better approach. The couple should sit down with a mediator and discuss proposed terms and why the terms are being proposed. That way, there are no surprises.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laurie-israel/prenups-dont-lawyer-up-me_1_b_942333.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009
Schwarzeneggers Likely to Try Mediation
CBS News in LA reported that Maria Shriver has filed for divorce, and one prominent divorce attorney, Steven Mindel, believes the Schwarzeneggers are likely to resolve their divorce using mediation or some other form of alternative dispute resolution. More and more high powered, high profile couples are turning to mediation. It is a myth that people with large and often complicated finances should not use mediation. The truth is they are the ones who need it most, because their litigated divorces tend to be wildly expensive, ugly and very public.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4h8JpZt0l58
Ending the Alimony Guessing Game
In both mediation and litigation, alimony is one of the most difficult issues to resolve. The paying spouse almost always feels the amount is too high while the payee spouse almost always feels she or he is not getting enough. A new law in New York uses a set formula to determine alimony, but leaves judges with discretion to vary from the formula in unusual circumstances.Neither NJ nor PA, where I practice, uses such a formula. Sounds as though they should. The article is interesting and worth reading.
The USA Network's "Fairly Legal," featuring mediator Kate Reed, shows the benefits of mediating disputes--rather than litigating them. Great to see this concept on prime time! The show is fun to watch--but Kate's a lousy mediator.
A mediator, by definition, must be neutral. It’s one of the basic principles of our profession. But too often, the writers of “Fairly Legal” blur the line between mediation and litigation -- with Kate ending up advocating for one of the two parties in the dispute!
Kate was a former attorney, who wants now to just be a mediator, so I guess it’s understandable—and she’s obviously a good advocate, too. I still practice as an attorney, and I advocate strongly when I’m representing my clients. But, when I’m acting as a mediator, I understand the difference between the two roles – and I know that you can’t just toggle back and forth with the same clients!
It makes for exciting drama -- that’s why legal shows are so popular -- but I worry that viewers aren’t getting a true experience of the mediation process.
The latest plot line, was a perfect example of why “Fairly Legal” succeeds as drama but often fails to show what mediation is all about.
In the story, one of her firm’s largest clients enlists Kate to help his former military friend Claudia. Secretly an illegal alien, Claudia had stolen the identity of a woman she thought had died, so she could enlist and serve in the military. Now a civilian, Claudia is in trouble because the woman turns up alive.
Kate brings in the identity theft victim to “mediate” between her and Claudia. It’s clear from the outset that Kate has taken Claudia’s side. This would be fine if Kate were serving as Claudia’s attorney—but she’s not.
Kate tries to convince the victim that Claudia didn’t mean to cause any harm and is willing to make restitution. She tries to explain to the victim that Claudia had committed the act because she was illegal—and the victim leaps at the chance to turn Claudia in to the authorities.
The plot heats up as Claudia is arrested and Kate spends the rest of the show helping her avoid being deported. In other words, she ends up working as Claudia’s immigration attorney.
In real life, Kate wouldn’t have been able to take this case in the first place, because of Claudia’s friendship with her firm’s big client! And, even if Kate had managed to stay neutral in the mediation, when it became clear that the victim was going to report Claudia to the authorities, Kate should have bowed out.
I guess that’s why I’m a mediator—and not a Hollywood script writer!
